My intent is to use this blog to journal my thoughts during this deployment as well as provide friends and family an idea of what I’m doing and how life is in Iraq. While I plan to keep it entertaining as in the past I also want to share with you the raw emotions a soldier and family go through during a long deployment like this. So sometimes it will seem like I’m feeling sorry for myself and others it will seem like I’m having the time of my life. Just part of the emotional roller coaster associated with a long separation.
I’d like to take the opportunity during this first entry to discuss my last few weeks and days prior to leaving my family for a year.
Without a doubt, walking out the door of my house at 4:20 AM on December 2nd, 2009 was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. No matter how much notice you have the actual departure is almost unbearable on your heart and that last hug is brutal on your emotions and inner being. Shelly and I have known I was deploying for over a year now. I think we took advantage of our time though and really enjoyed ourselves as a family. In an odd way, that contributes to the painful departure. Not that I would trade any of my time together with Shelly and Anderson. Because that quality time has provided me hours and hours of great memories and hundreds of pictures.
Our plan for the last few weeks prior to my deployment was to spend as much time together as possible, to keep things light, and to maximize our time with our family and friends. And I think we did a good job at that. We had a nice Caribbean vacation, spent several days at each of our parents’ house, and spent lots of time doing family activities. But no matter how happy things were and how much fun we were having the looming thought of separation was always in the back of my thoughts. Maybe it’s my own cruel mind, but I would find myself during happy times thinking about how short lived that feeling would be since I would be leaving soon. That contributed to lots of anxiety for the last few weeks.
So anyway, I love my wife and son more than anything. I thank God for blessing me with such a strong, close, and loving family. No matter how bad my day might have been, just knowing that when I walk into the door of my house I would be met by my little boy running and jumping into my arms made things all better. He’s just so much fun and the highlight of my day every day was to spend time with Shelly and him.
The night before I left I gave him a bath like I do every night I’m home then I read his books to him before bed like Shelly normally does. Just the feeling of knowing I was holding him for the last time caused an almost hyperventilation feeling. I tried to read the books but found myself just holding him with tears running down my cheeks onto his pajamas. I laid him down in his bed and kissed him goodnight. Then I walked with a numb feeling into the other room. I think I just stood there for a minute staring into space before finding Shelly and just letting her embrace me for a few minutes. We sat and talked about our feelings and about how we need to be strong and just get through this.
Since my bags were packed and by the door, we decided to get some sleep since I had to get up at 3:30 AM. Surprisingly, I slept pretty well. I think in some ways a weight was beginning to lift off my shoulders. I was finally going to get the clock started so I could focus on returning safely to my family. After I was up and ready to leave, we decided we would get Anderson up for a few minutes so I could say goodbye to him one last time. That feeling of hugging Anderson and Shelly at the same time at 4:10 AM is indescribable. I wasn’t going to see my two best friends for a long time. Shelly wept softly as she watched me hold my baby boy for the last few moments. With tears streaming down my face I gave him back to her so she could lay him back down in his bed.
I’m choosing to show the picture below because I think it captures some of the emotions of that moment.
Soldiers cry too. There are certainly many opportunities during a soldier’s career to shed a tear. I could tell once I met up with my fellow soldiers for deployment they had similar mornings.I think Shelly and I were both mentally drained as we walked to the door. All my bags were in my Jeep and we just held each other, said our “I love you’s” then I walked out the door. “Silent Night” was playing softly on the radio as I drove down my dark street. I was extremely sad but started thinking of all the Christmas mornings we will have as a family in our lifetime. Then I smiled and swelled with pride of how lucky I am to have a family like I do.
May God watch over us all and may our family’s strength sustain us until we re-unite.
So there you have it. Don’t worry, I’ll blog soon about what I’m doing and post some pictures. My job here is very interesting and rewarding. I look forward to making a difference.
Mike
Ali Al Salem Air Base, Kuwait
3 comments:
I came upon your blog when I was searching for morning sickness when I was pregnant, and it struck my interest because my husband is a soldier too. He is currently deployed to Kuwait and left two weeks after our first son was born. I know how hard it is for you guys to leave and how hard it is on the family to watch you go. I thank you for what you're doing for our country. May God Bless you and your family and Keep you safe through this deployment.
Thank you very much. I know it's just as difficult to be on your end and have that void for a while. May your husband have a safe and speedy return to you and your family.
Mike
I want to thank you for all you do for mine and my family's freedom. I admire you and your family's courage. I cannot imagine leaving either of my girls or my husband for a year.
You and your loved ones will be in my prayers.
Be safe!
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