It was just after 3AM early Monday morning and I was in a deep sleep, mostly as a result of jet lag mixed with two Tylenol PM tablets. I hear a rumbling in the house and the sound of banging then the snapping of plastic like when you break a clothes hanger in half. Just as I'm reaching across to my nightstand to man my position with a .38 pistol in my right hand and my Iraqi bayonet in my left hand, I see a grainy figure in the bathroom that resembles my wife. She was beating the toilet senseless. You know when you go to Chuck E. Cheese and there's that game with all the gophers coming up briefly from all those holes while you try to whack it in the head before it goes down? That's what it reminded me of.
As I begin to stand down, she walks into the room and says (use your favorite Johnson County accent here), "Well the toilet is broken. You're going to have to get in here and fix it!" We pass each other at the entrance of the bathroom as she heads back to bed and as I begin to assess the situation, still groggy and mostly confused.
I see that the toilet has flushed but has not filled back up and is making noise. I also noticed many pieces of plastic, apparently from the thingy that the big ball on the rod hooks on inside the top of the toilet. Now, even when I have had plenty of sleep, am completely alert, and after coffee I still have very limited repair skills. But I do know you can just turn off the water to the toilet until a more appropriate time allows further attention. So that's what I did.
After getting back in bed, I begin to play back in my mind the events of the past few minutes. I just don't recall Shelly waking me like that in the middle of the night over something she would normally know how to handle better than me. Then it hits me. Was Shelly testing my ability to problem solve in the middle of the night? Maybe she was seeing how I would do if one or both of the twins were crying at 3AM? Could it possibly be that she purposely concocted this event??
My mind then shifts back to something that happened earlier in the day. I had complained to Shelly that ever since we put our house on the market and it must always remain in pristine condition, I don't have anything to read in my bathroom. You know, had to get rid of my ESPN, GQ, Maxim, and Men's Journal from the back of the toilet. So as I'm preparing for a #2 she suggests I read an article she downloaded the day before and she hands it to me as I'm on my way to the throne. It was an article about how different and more challenging it is to take care of twins. One particular paragraph said how you must be prepared to deal with one or both of them crying in the middle of the night. By the way, I fully expect one baby to cry from 1-3AM then slap hands with the other so that baby can cry from 3-5AM. If I go in with that expectation then anything else will be okay.
Anyway, at this point I'm pretty convinced I've cracked Shelly's evil plan. What's even worse is that I told her about 10PM that I was looking forward to my first full night's sleep after coming back from Korea and I was going to take sleep medication so I wouldn't wake up at 3AM like I did the previous night.
Now many of you out there know Shelly pretty well. Do you really think sweet little Shelly could go to such great lengths just to test my ability to diffuse a situation on short notice and less than ideal times? I would be curious to know what you think.
If I were to conduct a self-assessment on my performance I would say I did pretty well. But I learned something else that I'm even happier about. The next day as I was fixing the toilet I was sitting on it backwards as I installed new parts. After putting the top back on while still sitting there I realized how comfortable and functional it was to sit that way while taking a crap. You can use the top of the back of the toilet to put your magazine on, do a crossword puzzle, eat your lunch, or just lay your head down like you did back in kindergarten. Go ahead and enjoy the visual you now have in your head. Okay, now go into your bathroom and try it. I'll wait...
...pretty cool huh? You are welcome my friend!
Mike
Kansas City, MO
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4 comments:
I think I better explain this situation… sorry, no evil plan my friend… it simple was the result of a pregnant woman getting out of bed at 3:00 a.m. to empty her yet again full bladder! As I climbed into bed and was about to fall back to sleep I realized the toilet was still running. You can imagine my joy?! So I went back to the bathroom and took the lid off and giggled this and giggled that and perhaps in my happy state I might have pulled one piece a tiny bit harder than I usually do and it snapped… broke right off in my hands! This delighted me even more! So since I had been dealing with a running toilet for weeks while my lovely husband flies to Japan and Korea and Virginia and Hawaii I thought perhaps he could fix it now that he was actually home!! And by the way he’s quite handy at fixing toilets! Once he retires from the Army he may just be your plumber some day!
I'm not diggin' the visual of you doing what you do in the bathroom...let's get back to the leather pants and Hair Bands. As for the plan being an evil one...well I think just about anything that wakes you up at 0300 is evil. And lastly, Mike you need to tell your bride that you won't have time to be a plumber as I thought we agreed to go to work for either the Chiefs or the Royals when we retired?!
Cam
EXACTLY my thoughts Cam... have you seen how many toilets are at those stadiums?! It's the perfect job!
I am uncomfortable with this mental picture of you backwards on the pot.
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